Which is better: to have fun with fungi or to have idiocy with ideology

My hubby isn’t particularly fussy about the foods heconsumes.  He’ll eat just about anythingput in front of him . . . or try it, at the very least.

There are three things he will not eat . . . seafood, black olives and fungi.  Seafood because sea creatures eat and poop in the same water they live in.  Black olives . . . he’ll eat other olives . . . because of they are  

processed in lyeand lye is a poison.  I love black olivesand, to the best of my knowledge, I haven’t died yet.  And fungi . . . because . . . well, becausethey are fungi and therefore are gross. His reasoning is flawed at best. 

It’s generally pretty easy to avoid seafood and black olives;fungus . . . not so much.

Mushrooms are usually pretty easy to spot . . . I love thembut I don’t normally cook with them because he doesn’t like them and when we’reeating out he can pick them out of his food if he spots them.  But mushrooms aren’t the only fungus in thefood chain. 

Yeast is a fungus . . . what is made with yeast?  Beer and bread are the very first things thatcome to mind and he might very well die if he couldn’t have them.  

And pickles . . . oh my goodness . . . my hubby lovespickles.  Many pickles are fermented . .. fermentation requires yeast.   Give him a garlicky pickle and a shot of vodkaand he has veritably died and gone to heaven. Vodka is also is made using yeast . . .

And what of cheese?  Moldis a fungus and without it many cheeses would not exist . . . again, he lovescheese!  LOVES it!

Back to the olives that he will eat . . . much like pickles, in order to cure olives, yeast inone form or another is required; either through natural fermentation or byusing vinegar. 

I could go on and on . . .

Like I said . . . flawed logic.  He’s cute but not too bright.  But, then again, I didn’t marry him for hisbrains . . . or for his good looks for that matter.  Just sayin’.

Sour Cream Cucumbers Salad

This recipe is a favorite of mine.  It's cool and wonderful.  Just try NOT to drink the dressing after all the cucumbers are gone.  :)

2 Large Cucumbers, Peeled and Sliced

1 Large Onion, Sliced Into Rings

3/4 Cup Sour Cream

3 Tablespoons Cider Vinegar

2 Tablespoons Sugar

Salt And Pepper To Taste

In a bowl, combine the cucumbers and onion. Combineremaining ingredients and pour over cucumbers. Mix well. Chill. Yield: 6-8 servings.

Which is better: to have fun with fungi or to have idiocy with ideology, to have wars because of words, to have tomorrow's misdeeds out of yesterday's miscreeds?   
Aldous Huxley

I smoke all the time, one after the other

Have you ever had someone blow smoke up your ass?  Yeah, me too . . . all the time . . . oh,wait . . . no I haven’t!  Not ever!

There was a time, in fact, when it was a bona fide medicalpractice for a physician to literally blow smoke up his patient’s ass.  I swear! You cannot make this stuff up.

The practice was known as a ‘tobacco smoke enema’.  It was common in the mid-18^th centuryuntil the early 19^th century as an acceptable method of artificialrespiration . . . kind of like CPR but instead of blowing air into the lungsthey would . . . well, you get the picture. But just in case you don’t quite get it . . . the procedure entailed(get it . . . tail . . . hehe) inserting a rectal tube into the anus.  

The tube was connected to a fumigator andbellow that forced the smoke into the patient’s bum.  There were, of course, other more personal methods of introducing the smoke in to one's derriere.

Why, pray tell, would a doctor want to poof smoke into atookus?  Sounds like a Clinton/Lewinsky thingwith necrophilial undertones to me . . . but that’s where my mind goes.

The purpose was used to resuscitate drowning victims.  Supposedly, the stimulating effects of thetobacco combined with the warm smoke would encourage the person to startbreathing.  Surely, if someone blew agust of cigarette smoke into my fanny, I’d probably take a deep breath . . . andthen smack the crap out of the whoever was administering the treatment.

 

Of course, this came at a time when it was common to usemercury to cure syphilis and morphine/opium compounds to quiet obnoxiouschildren. 

The use of tobacco smoke enema’s fell out of favor when itwas discovered that the chief component in tobacco smoke is a cardiac poisonthat can stop the circulation of blood . . . you got it . . . nicotine.  

Yes it can kill you.  Substances are rapidly absorbed at a higher concentrationwhen passed through the intestinal walls . . . which is why the youths of todayare giving each other alcohol enemas to get drunk faster . . . but that’s awhole other topic.

Anyway, the effects of the procedure dubious at best.  Hence . . . the evolution of blowing smoke upone’s ass coming to mean to lie or to tell a falsehood.

Greek/House Dressing

3/4 Cup Olive Oil

2 Teaspoons Garlic Powder

2 Teaspoons Dried Oregano

1 1/2 Teaspoons Dried Basil

1 1/2 Teaspoons Pepper

1 1/2 Teaspoons Salt

1 1/2 Teaspoons Onion Powder

1 1/2 Teaspoons Dijon-Style Mustard

1 Cup Red Wine Vinegar

In a quart container, mix together the olive oil, garlic powder, oregano, basil, pepper, salt, onion powder, and Dijon-style mustard. Pour in the vinegar, and mix vigorously until well blended. Store tightly covered at room temperature.

I smoke all the time, one after the other.
Greta Garbo

Oompa Loompa Doompadee Doo

I have a friend who told me that she was on this kick whenall that she was eating was carrots . . . bags and bags of those little babycarrots.  She ate so many over a periodof a few weeks that she actually turned orange.

She must have looked like an Oompa Loompa with a glandularproblem . . . my friend is pretty tall.

Is it really possible that eating too many carrots can causeyour skin to turn orange-ish?  Yeah,actually it is.

It’s a condition called carotenosis . . . it is caused byeating a lot of foods that contain carotene . . . a red or yellow hydrocarbonpigment . . .  egg yolks, sweet potatoes,beets, a variety of leafy vegetables and, of course, carrots. Carotene buildsup in your bloodstream and most people turn a sickly yellow color resemblingjaundice. It’s rarely fatal . . . apparently you have to try really, reallyhard to die of carotenosis.

The good news is you just have to stop eating carrots toresume your normal hue.

If we think about the obvious long enough, it dissolves

Stating the obvious . . . am I only one who finds this annoying? 

The other day I was at a store buying canning supplies . . . lids, jars, etc . . . and the cashier ringing up my order asked me, “Are you going to be doing some canning?”  “No” I reply “I’m jarring up some moonshine”.  What in the hell do you think I’m doing, a$$hat??

And, again . . . I rode my motorcycle to work and someone intelligently remarks . . . "you road your motorcycle to work today".  No?  Really?

And, then, another day I was at the gym and someone recognized me and asked, “Are you back at the gym”  “No” I reply “I’m a figment of your imagination”.  To be fair I haven’t been to the gym in a coon’s age but still . . . sheesh.

Segue . . . coon’s age is an expression dating back to the early 1800’s.  It refers to the longevity of a raccoon . . . which can live up to 7 years in the wild and 15 years or more in captivity.  For those of you uncomfortable with the term ‘coon’ thinking it a derogatory term for black people, you can use the expression ‘dog’s age’.  A dog’s lifespan is comparable to a raccoons and this phrase is probably more common anyway.  But I come from the sticks and thus I refer to country bumpkinisms. 

Anyhoo . . . back to the point.  I’m not sure if people just say stuff to have something to say, because they like the sound of their own voice or because they think other people are stupid.

If you are in a conversation with me, don’t feel the need to tell me something I already know.  Yes, I can see its raining.  Yes, the sky is blue.  Yes, I know I’m beautiful. 

Whatever the case . . . if you don’t have anything to say then, don’t.  It’s not a social imperative to have a talk to people. 

Just sayin’.

Cher's Tomato and Basil Bruschetta

6 Roma Tomatoes, diced
1/2 Vidalia Onion, chopped
2 Cloves Garlic, chopped
6 Tablespoons Olive Oil, separated
1 Tablespoon Balsamic Vinegar
3 tablespoons Chopped Fresh Basil
1/2 Teaspoon Kosher Salt
1/4 Teaspoon Fresh Cracked Pepper
8 Slices Italian Bread, cut about 1" thick
1/2 Cup Fresh Shredded Parmigiano-Reggiano Cheese


Whisk together chopped garlic, vinegar, salt, pepper, and basil.  When combined slowly drizzle in 3 tablespoons of the olive oil.


Add tomatoes and onion.  Let sit for 20 minutes at room temperature.


Add the remaining olive oil to a skillet and warm over medium-high heat.  Brown the bread slices until both sides are golden. 


Top with tomato mixture and sprinkle on a little cheese.  Turn off the heat and cover to allow the cheese to melt a little.  


Serve immediately.

Talk of the devil, and his horns appear

I don’t know what I was looking for, but I recent Google search turned up a bunch of information about horny women.  Okay, get your mind out of the gutter . . . I’m talking about women who grew horns.  It’s a rare condition but it is possible for people . . . yeah, men get horny, too . . . to grow horns.  They’re techinically called Cutaneous Horns which are thought to be caused by by retained dead skin cells over an underlying growth. Sometimes the underlying growth is harmless like a wart but other times it may grow over a precancer or skin cancer.

The conical projection is composed of compacted keratin, basically stuck together skin cells that build up over an underlying growth.  They just keep growing and piling up causing a horn-like growth.

They can be surgically removed but I can’t imagine letting one grow to the lengths that these women have let theirs grow.  Maybe they heard somewhere that men like horny women?

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I made this macaroni salad up with stuff I had in my pantry and fridge . . . quick, yummy and satisfying!

Macaroni and Bean Salad

• 2 Cups Uncooked Elbow Macaroni
• 1 Cup Sliced Green Olives
• 2 Celery Ribs, Sliced
• 1 Can Pinto Beans, Rinsed And Drained
• 1/2 Cup Mayonnaise
• 1/2 Cup Cubed Mozzarella Cheese
• 1/4 Cup Italian Salad Dressing
• 2 Tablespoons White Wine Vinegar
• 2 Teaspoons Seasoned Salt
• 1/4 Teaspoon Pepper

Cook macaroni according to package directions.  Drain macaroni and rinse in cold water.

Meanwhile, in a large bowl, combine the remaining ingredients.

Add to bean mixture and toss to coat. Cover and refrigerate for 1-2 hours.

It's nice to witness these discoveries at first hand

I was cogitating over the etymology of testimony.   Primarily because the word exhibits a striking similarity to  . . . uh . . . the doodads of the masculine form . . . you know what I’m trying to say . . . er . . .  man-sacks . . . ugh . . . testicles.  There, I said it!

Whew! 

So, what is the connection between these two words that seem to have no obvious association?  

Allow me to elucidate.  Testimony, testify, testis, and testicle  . . .  in Latin testis means “witness.  How did we get from witness to teabags? 

It is stated that under Roman law that only verifiable men were allowed to provide testimony.  A man could not testify unless his testicles were at hand as verification of his maleness . . . and I mean literally, at hand.  Way back then they didn’t have the King James Bible to swear an oath on . . . they made their vow of truthfulness on the thing (or thingies) that were most sacred to them . . . their whoop-dee-doos.  Romans placed their right hands on their testicles and swore by them before giving testimony in court.

I’m not sure if that clarifies anything, or even if it’s factual,  but it’s intriguing nonetheless.

Interestingly, to detest means “to bear witness against;” therefore, to curse, and implicitly, to hate one’s testiculi . . . i.e. ones little witnesses . . . just sayin’.

Creamy Coleslaw

1 large heads cabbage, shredded

1 large carrots, shredded

2/3 cups mayonnaise or salad dressing

1/3 cup sugar

1/8 cup white vinegar

1/5 tablespoons celery seed

1 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon garlic powder

In a gallon sized zipper bag, combine the cabbage and carrots.

In a bowl, combine the remaining ingredients. Pour into the bag with the cabbage mixture. 

Seal and squeeze the bag to combine the ingredients.  

Refrigerate for at least 1 hour. Toss before serving.

The great toilet paper debate

As I see it, one of my duties of wife and life-partner is to annoy the bajoopies out of my beloved hubby.  It is a job I take quite seriously, as I’m sure he would freely attest to.  I’ve instigated a silent battle to which he falls prey to and is helpless to ignore.    It is the contentious over versus under conundrum.

It started a few years ago.  We were on vacation and I hit the potty as soon as we got to the motel.   For some reason I got it into my head that putting the toilet paper roll on backwards, so the loose end would come from the back, would be amusing.  That whole trip every time I went to use the bathroom the toilet paper would be turned back around . . . of course I would flip it back.  Neither one of us mentioned it but on and on it went. 

At home, if I happen to be using “his” bathroom and I have to change the roll, I’ll put it on backwards.  Sometimes to be especially evil I’ll even press the loose edge to the back of the toilet paper holder so it doesn’t show and it’s harder to find . . . why?  Because picturing him spinning and groping the roll looking for the loose end makes me chuckle.  It’s the little things in life that amuse me.

So, who’s to say I’m wrong?  Maybe the wrong way is the right way?  Who decided that the paper has to hang down in the front? 

It’s arguable that the toilet paper hanging over is superior because it’s easier to grab the end piece and to count out number of tiles.  This is especially important if you’re following Sheryl Crow’s train of thought on the subject of toilet paper in general.  According to the Green Queen (Sheryl Crow) “a limitation should be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting”.  She thinks we are “industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required.”  Uh, yeah . . . that would never work in my bathroom.  Either she’s an extraordinarily neat pooper or I’m an extraordinarily messy one. 

Besides the obvious fact that it looks neater and it’s less tempting for kitty, from a scientific perspective the toilet paper hanging under is a more betterer way.  When force is applied to the roll in the "over" position the roll is pressed downward and towards the wall. This causes friction between the tissue and the wall, which can add enough strain to cause the tissue to tear, leaving the user with less than required . . . unless you’re Sheryl Crow, that is.  With the toilet paper in the "under" position, when pulling on the tissue in this position it is pulled slightly upward and away from the wall, avoiding friction from the wall completely. This method allows the roll to spin freely, and the user is better able to control how much tissue to use and when to tear it.  The scientific proof is indubitable . . . physics is boss!

That being said, the manufacturers of Cottonelle toilet tissue have recently vowed to recall defective toilet paper that rolls 'under'. 

Yeah . . . whatever. 

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Thousand Island Dressing

• 1 Cup Mayonnaise
• 1/2 Cup Ketchup
• 1 Cup Sweet Pickle Relish
• 1 Pinch Salt
• 1 Pinch Ground Black Pepper

In a small bowl, mix together the mayonnaise, ketchup, relish, salt and pepper until thoroughly combined, and serve.